President of the World

I must admit, I'm actually quite curious about the US Presidential election race. I don't know a great deal about the various guys flinging their hats into the ring, or at least much more than what SBS, CNN, The Daily Show and Stephen Colbert tell me. But whoever wins is going to help shape global politics, agenda, oil prices, cancer rates, the temperature of my testicles and perhaps reshape the relationship between my country (The People's Democratic Sexual Empire of Eastern Australia) and the US.

So here's my guide to who I think people are, and what I'd rather imagine them as:

1. Barack Obama - Mr. Juicy intrigue. This guy interests me a great deal. My first thought when I hear him speak is not for his policy or background, but for the fact that he will probably be talking through one of those fuck-off shiny artificial voice boxes before taking any Presidential oath. Does he smoke? Fucked if I know, but he sure does sound like he's one of those sideshow guys who regularly packs 50 cigarettes into his gaping mouth with each passing urge for nicotine and dollars. As a side note, apparently this guy is black (yes, I too am shocked). Although apparently not black enough for some, and too black for others. Bigots come in all shapes and colours. Just who would have thought that some African Americans and white supremacists could come together in a hate love-in. I get tingles* just thinking about it.

2. Hillary Clinton - Bill's mother. It's his mother right? Surely he wouldn't have married her. Anyway, she's well orchestrated but not well castrated, so that makes for an interesting mix. I thought Bill did quite well as Official Sexual Being of America in the absence of a real President, even if his taste in women leaves a lot to be desired. So, if Bill didn't fall far from the ghastly tree that is his mother/wife, maybe Hillary will do OK and score herself some tubby Louis Anderson-like action too. Still, if there's any Clinton for parliament, then my vote's for George.

3. Rudolph Giuliani - Not sure what to make of this. The guy is more familiar to me as an occasional joke on Letterman or Late Night with Conan. Happy and friendly enough, he's run a city with more people in it than my country has, and I guess it's a positive that he knows how to deal with the cement making industry. But what does he bring to the table when it comes to crazy shenanigans? Does he get drunk Boris style? Does he have a thing for obese interns? Rudy needs a gimmick. Maybe he should lock himself in a glass case with angry monkeys or something. See who flings the most shit. Anything.

4. John McCain - Not too clear on this one. If memory serves, McCain's saucer was shot down over Roswell New Mexico some time in the 1940's when he was on a reconnaissance mission for his native Vietnam. Basically his popularity will come down to whether he is truly a genetically engineered Vietnamese UFO pilot, or if he is as I suspect a pawn in a global lie and is really a producer of fine frozen chips (french fries).

5. Zoltar - I'm not sure if this guy is running in the election, or if I'm merely confusing politics with a villain from the 70's cartoon Battle of the Planets (aka G-Force, Science Team Gatchaman). Either way, Zoltar should have the inside edge due to being both a man and a woman depending on what's needed at any particular time. Zoltar has all of the right qualities that one would expect of an American President. He's a snappy dresser, he takes his orders from higher up, if foreign policy fails he's only too happy to send in an alien death machine and to sacrifice the lives of countless thousands of henchmen, and best of all he has the kind of evil laugh one would expect from a very small man.

So there you have it. The 5 main candidates for taking leadership of the Australian Liberal Party from Prime Idiot John Howard. Go Zoltar!

Note: *My tingling feeling is neither 'spidey sense' or herpes.

I think.