Friday, 11 April 2008


I'm about to head for a walk up the mountain, whilst there's still some sunshine and the air isn't like myriad layers of frozen pain against my lungs. I need the exercise. Perhaps outwardly I don't, but I can feel the ugly building up inside, ready to burst the squishy balloon that I'm slowly becoming.

Wish me luck. Send up a pair of flares and some other slacks if I fail to return!

Thursday, 10 April 2008

Why am I awake?

I've been thinking bout starting a new blog. It could be written from a dog's perspective. Perhaps completely written in woofs, and with pictures of lots of bitches. Oh wait, never mind. There's already a lot of guys who write blogs like that. Women too.

Little known fact #1.
I once actually tried to build the world's worst website, and failed.

I had an idea, in about 1997, for a website so utterly bad, that it would trap people in a maze of java pop-ups, pictures of women's armpits, bright pink and lime japanese blinking text, and jpgs of jpg placeholders and so many frames that it would look like a.. framey thingy.

It never worked though. It must have set off every alarm and notice to the host server that it never lasted more than an hour each time I loaded it up.

A shame. I know the world needs more glowing neon armpit pics with built in love boat midi files.


Zod says:
I'm looking for something to blow $40 on ebay
Zod says:
any ideas?
Beck says:
dvd? cd?
Zod says:
dvd might be a good idea
Zod says:
something I can't get in regular stores maybe
Beck says:
good idea..
Beck says:
if I had $40 to blow I'd go looking for that anime dvd i cant seem to find any where
Zod says:
which one is that?
Beck says:
hang on.. just need to load my spreadsheet

Maybe it's just my sense of humour alone, but hey it cracked me up. Beck does geek good.

Super ideas!

Umbrellas with vibrator handles - Good for when it's wet both indoors and out, and handy for shaking the rain off!

Edible underwear with built in laxatives - Because you need to be taught a lesson. Eating underwear is stupid!!

Renewable marriage licenses - Most people aren't mature enough for lifetime licenses any more. If they ever were.

1-hole golf courses - because 18 holes worth of destroyed wilderness and animal habitat is ridiculous. Mark Twain was right.

Inflatable half-humpback whales - Sold only in Japan.

Australian Liberal Party Showbags - A child's introduction, complete with bile flavoured lip balm , blank history book with pen, 24k gold bobble head Jesus, and 1000 ft of red tape.

Now GO - spring forth and make these a reality!!

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

Dictionary revisions

Welcome to the Bastard Dictionary of the Apocalypse, aka: John's guide to frigged and expired words.

Today's entry is:

Hero (From the latin "Here, ya zero" - "to award unnecessary praise and stature")
  1. A person who survives - an avalanche, plane crash or other event, generally by no significant action of their own.
  2. A person who performs a clutch, last moment play whilst participating in a sporting or social event - see basketball, football, knitting etc.
  3. Someone who plays air guitar really well.

Monday, 7 April 2008


The styles for this winter's fashion elite are in..

Tuesday, 1 April 2008


Sometimes I have to wonder about this species of ours. I look on in depressed bewilderment at the way in which humanity pulls in a myriad of directions, never striving for a common goal or to better our lot on a global scale. Petty rivalries and jealousies are created every day and often thrive until replaced by another equally pathetic quarrel. Language is always the first tool to be utilized in helping fools differentiate between themselves and others. It's worse when words become a tool in such a manner, where it is non intentional.

One particular word that is unintentionally used, for the greater part, as a divider, is "civilization." Whilst not readily obvious to the vast majority, the usage does become clear when you are on the receiving end of classification, in the negative sense.

What is civilization?

According to a typical faceless online dictionary, civilization is:



1. highly developed society: a society that has a high level of culture and social organization

2. advanced development of society: an advanced level of development in society that is marked by complex social and political organization, and material, scientific, and artistic progress

3. advanced society in general: all the societies at an advanced level of development considered collectively

I would argue that historically the word has been applied sparingly in any of the contexts noted above. No, instead I find the term to be one used primarily as a means of condescension. If a culture or society is different, it's been far too common a case where integrity and willingness to develop a thorough understanding have been thrown out the window, in favour of condescending generalisations, meant only to place the known societies on a pedestal, above those cultures and societies mistaken for being primitive. Perhaps "civilization" should be replaced with "complication" as a far more logical means for differentiation.

Whilst European civilization has more often than not claimed the high ground, it has done so through cultural and social ignorance and by being totally oblivious to every other civilization on Earth. Indeed, it has inherited much of its prosperity on the back of the ingenuity of the civilizations it has so often mimicked, dominated or poured scorn upon. Having said this, the Europeans are far from being alone in this form of bigotry, as every major power has done and will continue to do the same. The ancient Greeks thought themselves superior to the rest of the known world, the Romans then superseded them and thought the same. Europe thought itself better than Asia, whilst Asia Minor and the Chinese both assumed their superirity to the West, whilst entertaining macro struggles within their own regions. One can only imagine what the ancient Babylonians and Egyptians thought, whilst now America, China, Christianity, Islam and Europe all are pulling at one another, and failing to get anywhere.

Getting back to the crux of the matter, it's the usage of the word "civilization" that I am forced to question. So often my own culture is targeted, yet the terminology is used as a throwaway device without any substance. Is the Western World really more civilized than Aboriginal Australia, and has it ever been? The answer is always a clear - no.

In 1788 when the first steps toward a multicultural Australia were taken, Aboriginal Australia was seen as primitive, yet the truth was quite the opposite. Whilst technologically poor, the fact is that the continent was home to numerous cultures and a society that had evolved into a highly functional and efficient machine - as could be expected given the 60,000 continuous years of development and refinement that were possible.

Aboriginal Australia evolved to meet the requirements of the environment of which it was a part. As the early European settlers found in their struggles, developing Australia was never going to work, until they had at their disposal the full resources of Europe and the world.

Australian soil is not suitable for sustaining crops without fertilization, which could have only come from non indigenous livestock. No Australian animal could ever have pulled a plough, and without beasts of burden there was never any reason to have made a wheel. To this day, no indigenous plants are a sizeable and sustainable cash crop, other than Macadamia nuts.

Without a means to cultivate crops there was never a reason or any particular logic for people to build permanent homes in most parts of Australia. Whilst there were some seasonal village settlements in S.E Australia, for those communities that farmed eels, or lived by large water courses, those are generally ignored by the history books. Despite roaming from one set camp to another, each tribe did have ownership over a particular tract of land within a clearly defined boundary. Calling an Aboriginal Australian a nomad would be the same as calling a farmer the same for maintaining livestock on one of the larger Australian cattle stations, which in cases rival the size of Britain and some of the smaller US states.

Technology develops where there is a need, and where resources allow for it. In Australia's case, it would take outside resources to advance Australian technology.

Socially and culturally however, it could be argued that few cultures can rival the organisational structures in place within traditional Aboriginal societies. It was, and in some cases still is far more advanced than is given credit.

Where the Europeans often saw what they termed a lack of civilization, they also equated it with a lack of intelligence of those being studied. Which again, was a foolish notion, carried only to improve a collective and ignorant ego.

I don't like civilization as a word. It's as superfluous as other outdated and ridiculous notions such as race and the study of phrenology. It makes me cringe and wonder at the intent of the individual using it. I suppose for me it is one of those words that can trigger an alarm to go off, and force me to tread lightly. Although I would say that, as I have "the brain-pan of a Stagecoach tilter."

Amusing keywords

I've been keeping an eye on the searches that people do to find my blog (via an account at and it's pretty darn amusing to say the least (to me anyway).

In no particular order, I give you the top 10 weirdest search terms that have lead people to my blog..

  1. leather bar trivia
  2. Half man half bird
  3. morrissey is a twat
  4. Super dickery
  5. happy fuckers club
  6. herpes zod
  7. I fucking hate phones
  8. zod woman
  9. noony noony typewriter
  10. baby rabbits-grow hair?
I'm not really sure what to make of most of those. I don't ever recall writing about a leather bar, or Morrissey. I did make a joke about herpes once, but what that has to do with General Zod, from Superman comics/movies?!??

What ever the Happy Fuckers Club is, it sounds pretty good.